1 Call buddies and have them come over with their Jeeps.
(fully loaded and ready for action!)
2 Air down tires to 0 psi.
3 Lay wine bottle down in soft ground. (sand, wet mud, etc)
4 Drive onto bottle so that it is firmly secured and cannot
move. (better use a Spotter for this step; one wrong move
and the whole operation could be ruined!)
5 Dig a small hole with your camp shovel under the mouth of
the bottle, just big enough for a Dixie cup to fit underneath.
6 Pull out your tire chuck and air hose, and connect to your
York on-board air system.
7 Locate an extra tire valve and some JB Weld from your spare
8 Using your Leatherman Multi-Tool, cut off the rubber end of
the tire valve and file the metal shroud to a sharp point.
9 Punch a hole through the cork using the cleaning awl from
your tire repair kit.
10 Quickly jam the valve stem through the cork and secure
with JB Weld.
11 Beer break!
12 Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a little late.
13 After JB Weld has hardened, attach air chuck to tire valve
and "pressurize" bottle until cork pops out.
If that doesn't work . . .
1 Use your valve stem removal tool to remove the stem from
the tire valve.
2 Retrieve a can of starting fluid and waterproof canister
of matches from your spare parts box.
3 Spray a generous amount of starting fluid into the tire valve
and remove one match from the canister.
4 Yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" and toss lighted match towards tire
5 Make sure no one is in the line of fire . . . $h!t . . .
use Leatherman tool to remove tire valve from buddy's forehead,
who wasn't listening and seems to be stuck on Step #11 above.
Anyway, as there are a heck of a lot more empty beer cans on
the ground than you remember just a little while ago!
6 Temporarily patch hole in buddy's forehead with Duct Tape
and take him to the Emergency Room.
7 Talk to cute nurse.
8 Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a bit later still;
ask if she wouldn't mind take-out.
9 Obtain a 1/2-inch or larger self-tapping eyelet from your
spare parts box and screw it into the cork, which is still
firmly wedged inside of the wine bottle.
10 Secure with a generous application of JB Weld;
don't want this baby slipping out like the tire valve!
11 Beer break!
12 Have buddy with new Warn HS9500i winch play out about 20 feet
of cable and attach hook to eyelet in cork.
13 Throw cardboard from empty case of beer over winch cable
14 Slowly take up slack in cable and continue to pull until
cork pops out of bottle.
15 Dammit! Promise buddy to pay for the damage
caused by the wine bottle traveling at slightly
subsonic speed through his windshield.
16 Take buddy back to Emergency Room for treatment of
lacerations from shattered glass.
17 Talk to cute nurse again and get her phone number this time.
18 Call girlfriend to see if she will be free next Friday;
offer to take her out to dinner.
19 Stop at the Corner Store and buy another case of beer.
20 Call cute nurse to see what time she gets off work;
ask her if she likes beer.
21 Throw bottle of wine in garbage can!