This is my Jeep, there are many like it.

My Jeep is my best friend. It is my life.
I must master it as I must master my life.
My Jeep, without me, is useless.
Without my Jeep, I am useless.

I must drive my Jeep true.
I must drive better than the Chevy who is trying to pass me.
I must out-drive him before he out-drives me. I will . . .
My Jeep and I know that what counts on this trail is not the
gas we burn, the noise of our exhaust, nor the smoke we make.
We know that it is the driving that counts. We will drive . . .

My Jeep is human, even as I, because it is my life.

Thus, I will learn it as a brother.

I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts,
its axles, its engine, and its quadratrack.

I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage.

I will keep my Jeep clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready.

We will become part of each other. We will . . .

Before God I swear this creed.

My Jeep and I are the defenders of TREAD LIGHTLY.

We are the masters of the trail.

We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is AMC's and there are no other 4x4's, but Jeep!


1 Call buddies and have them come over with their Jeeps.
(fully loaded and ready for action!)
2 Air down tires to 0 psi.
3 Lay wine bottle down in soft ground. (sand, wet mud, etc)
4 Drive onto bottle so that it is firmly secured and cannot
move. (better use a Spotter for this step; one wrong move
and the whole operation could be ruined!)
5 Dig a small hole with your camp shovel under the mouth of
the bottle, just big enough for a Dixie cup to fit underneath.
6 Pull out your tire chuck and air hose, and connect to your
York on-board air system.
7 Locate an extra tire valve and some JB Weld from your spare
parts box.
8 Using your Leatherman Multi-Tool, cut off the rubber end of
the tire valve and file the metal shroud to a sharp point.

9 Punch a hole through the cork using the cleaning awl from
your tire repair kit.
10 Quickly jam the valve stem through the cork and secure
with JB Weld.

11 Beer break!

12 Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a little late.

13 After JB Weld has hardened, attach air chuck to tire valve
and "pressurize" bottle until cork pops out.

If that doesn't work . . .

1 Use your valve stem removal tool to remove the stem from
the tire valve.
2 Retrieve a can of starting fluid and waterproof canister
of matches from your spare parts box.
3 Spray a generous amount of starting fluid into the tire valve
and remove one match from the canister.
4 Yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" and toss lighted match towards tire
valve opening.
5 Make sure no one is in the line of fire . . .  $h!t . . .
use Leatherman tool to remove tire valve from buddy's forehead,
who wasn't listening and seems to be stuck on Step #11 above.
Anyway, as there are a heck of a lot more empty beer cans on
the ground than you remember just a little while ago!
6 Temporarily patch hole in buddy's forehead with Duct Tape
and take him to the Emergency Room.
7 Talk to cute nurse.
8 Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a bit later still;
ask if she wouldn't mind take-out.
9 Obtain a 1/2-inch or larger self-tapping eyelet from your
spare parts box and screw it into the cork, which is still
firmly wedged inside of the wine bottle.

10 Secure with a generous application of JB Weld;
don't want this baby slipping out like the tire valve!
11 Beer break!
12 Have buddy with new Warn HS9500i winch play out about 20 feet
of cable and attach hook to eyelet in cork.

13 Throw cardboard from empty case of beer over winch cable
for safety.

14 Slowly take up slack in cable and continue to pull until
cork pops out of bottle.
15 Dammit!  Promise buddy to pay for the damage
caused by the wine bottle traveling at slightly
subsonic speed through his windshield.

16 Take buddy back to Emergency Room for treatment of
lacerations from shattered glass.

17 Talk to cute nurse again and get her phone number this time.

18 Call girlfriend to see if she will be free next Friday;
offer to take her out to dinner.

19 Stop at the Corner Store and buy another case of beer.

20 Call cute nurse to see what time she gets off work;
ask her if she likes beer.

21 Throw bottle of wine in garbage can!

1.Thou shalt not misuse the name of Jeep.

2.Thou shalt not steal any Jeep.
3.Thou shalt not murder on a Jeep Jamboree, or any other time.
4.Thou shall respect the land and the animals, for they are what make offroad exciting.
5.Thou shall covet other Jeeps with respect, for they are family.
6.Respect your Father, Mother, and Neighbor, for they one day may own a Jeep,
should you want to drive it.
7.Thou shalt not give false testimony against Jeep, especially while telling a fish story.

8.Thou shalt not commit sale to another, without respect towards Jeep.
9.Thou shalt not purposely harm your Jeep vehicle, or your Neighbors Jeep.
10.Thou shall idol Jeep, for it was given to rejoice.

To thy trails we come,

Thy maintenance be done
In Garage, as it is on the trail.
Give us this day our daily drive,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those that trespass on us,
And lead us not unto illegal closures
But deliver us from Sierra Clubbers
For thine is clearance,
The articulation,
And the traction forever.

1. The coin wash attendant says your jeep is too muddy to use the car wash.

2. You suggestion to take the top down results in your female passenger complying.
3. Your lost and vultures are circling overhead.
4. Your C.B. radio plays nothing but banjo music.
5. Your last lift takes you over the 7 foot garage height restrictions.
6. Your jeep is so mean and nasty looking that other vehicles avoid you.
7. Your jeep articulates so well that your hi-lift jack can't get the wheels off the ground.
8. Your life is preoccupied with finding alternative on-board air storage methods.
9. Your sex life is going downhill while your jeep is going uphill.
10. You've rolled your jeep and you're looking forward to the next time.
11. Your parts dealer laughs when you walk in the door.
12. You wake up one morning with a "jeep thing" tattoo.